I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
