i don't like sucking hair
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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