i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
