my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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