I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
