Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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