The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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