If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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