Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
