If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
