I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
