i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
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Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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