Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
