i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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