I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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