Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
