I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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