last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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