All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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