like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
