they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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