First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
