i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
