It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
