He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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