I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
