We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
