On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
