You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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