I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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