four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
