walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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