There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
