im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
