if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
