I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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