I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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