it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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