look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
