There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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