I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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