today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Found your dick twin last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
