Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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