He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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