Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm like, not good at living.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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