Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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