remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize