I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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