I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
