Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
