i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
