I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
