Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
