What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
