i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
