My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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