Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
