I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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