I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
