Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
