I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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