it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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