Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
