Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
